Here's an audio version of my intentions for 2008 and other updates on me. You can hear my dog chewing on his bone, too.
In the Morning
The last day of the year. I think I ought to have something profound to say but I don't which is why I haven't ben posting over the last few days. I'm feeling rather ineffectual. I did, however, get a loaf, if you can call it that, out of the bread machine. It was more of a piece of baked dough at a right angle though I can slice it. Apparently, lots of people have trouble with the shape of their bread machine loaves. They use their bread to mix the dough and go through the first rising. Then they take the dough out and shape it into a loaf and let it rise again outside the bread machine and bake it in a regular oven. I bought the bread machine to make bread, not to mix it. If I had wanted to mix it, I would have bought a mixer with a dough hook. Finding the warm place in my apartment is the point. My next strategy is to make a larger loaf and monitor its shape after mixing. I thought this would sort itself out but apparently not. The instint yeast I bought worked well. It's in a vacuum-packed foil package which can be kept at room temperature until opened. After opening, it will keep in the refrigerator for a month or in the freezer for a year, I think. I hope the yeast works as well from the freezer. More experimentation is needed before I am a confident bread maker using the bread machine.
2007 has not been a great year. Although arbitrary to pick today to think about this, I am hopeful that 2008 will be better. I want to lose more weight, get more accomplished with my cooking skills, be more accomplished with my podcasting ministry tasks and produce several written works suitable for publication. I don't know if this is an aggressive list or a lackluster list. A lot will depend on if I can bring my energy levels up in the next few months.
Well, this is a surprise. I did not know I had a such a clear picture. Now that AI think about it, I will add a more focused study of the Bible and a more regular prayer life. These intentions can be clarified more but they are a start and I have another 24 hours to shape them up.
My fleshing out of the STar Runner CHristmas story continues. I am getting a better feel for the adversaries and for what this adventure does for STar itself. A bit of a thorny issue has arisen: Star is an arms merchant and a smuggler. Carrying a message of peace against the militarists puts STar at odds with its business interests. What will Star do with its new insights afterwards? Star is an evolving character so its growth and self understanding and understanding of the people and events surrounding it forms a significant backdrop to the plot line. Fortunately, Star's personality is such that I can't turn it into a mamby-pamby kitty cat.
It seems better to have these posts titled with the date which is the default on the mobile platform. If I post more than once a day, it could be confusing but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
I learned today that I am supposed to add 1 tablespoon of vital wheat gluten per cup of flour so I will have to try that in my next batch of bread tomorrow. I am still concerned that aI am eating too much bread and therefore too much starch or carbohydrate in my diet. I did a lot of guesswork today. I only had a tangarine for breakfast and ended up with oatmeal and toast at lunch along with some cheese. Raisins and almonds were in the oatmeal and some yogurt.
I tried orange ruffy for dinner but it was too fishy for me. I have a small piece in the freezer and I'm not looking forward to eat it. I had some squash soup and another piece of toast with dinner, spinach and mushrooms, too.
I went to the store and found a store brand of wheat puffs. I don't know how they will be. I'll find out tomorrow. They do not high a high value for carbs so that is something good.
I worked a little more on my Star story based on a conversation I had Christmas night. I feel I am falling farther and farther behind. I could not get two podcasts to show up in their respective feeds. I haven't a clue why. archive.org is being difficult right now which is impacting the church podcast a lot.
Last night I bought Today's New International Version of the Bible from audible.com. It was only 1 credit for 76 hours of listening. Unfortunately, it is not broken down well either into files--there are ten of them--or audible breaks. I have had to use book marks on the victor stream to manage this. I lost the book marks I made last night. I have decided to let the stream manage the bookmarks and hope this will elliminate the problem. It has so far. I've also experimented with the highlight feature, marking the start of a passage and its end. It is called highlighting. When I go to the bookmark list, I can listen to the passages I have highlighted. It's quite cool. I've never had a tool like this before.
I am trying to decide if I should devote my memory stick to this Bible and mark it up. THat would be a semi-permanent record. On the other hand, maybe biblical notes aren't forever.
I'm focusing on Philippians though I"ve found an interesting passage in 1 John: 2:3-6. It is about modeling oneself on Jesus.
I'm very tired now. I think I will take the dog out and call it a day. I was up very early this mornig.
Here's an audio using synthesized speech to read my last week of posts. Daily Writings for December 19 thru 24
A mixed bag today. I read Sir Gouwane and the Green KNight. A different sort of Christmas tale. It felt more like Lent. will have to look up more about it.
My bread finally came out more like bread than not. I added the vital gluten and by accident put in more sugar, not much more, but a little more. I kept the salt at 1/2 teaspoon which was a little light. The right temperature water and the gluten is probably what did it. I had just about everything measured out ready to dump in the pan before I heated the water to make sure it stayed warm. The cool temperature in the apartment is probably not helping since the water probably cools down auickly. I wonder if I should rinse the pan with hot water before I start.
I went to the strangest Christmas Eve service tonight. It had parts from Epiphany and Good Friday in it. Seriously--we sang WEre You There when they crucified by Lord? Elwood was a mess. He was very, very insecure and I spent the service dealing with him, in and out of my lap.
I'm working to build a STar Runner adventure--the character I did nanowrimo with, that includes Santa. Maybe I'll have it ready for next Christmas.
I also heard about Blue Chjristmas on NPR--a service for lonely or otherwise not happy people. The focus was the empty manger. I want to write something around the empty manger, standing at the empty manger or something. This isn't really clear either. WRiting possibilities abound but I'm thin on words and development.
I think I will have the last of my supper--going off to church meant I didn't finish--and pack it in for another day. Not great writing today but another attempt to just do it. Fortunately, I figured out how to use the notes program on my PDA and then email myself to keep a backup. It's very rough but good. I also now have the stream companion program on my PC so I can use the victor reader stream to record notes and convert them to wav. This may prove very useful.
Writing is about one of the last things I want to do but I did promise myself I would write every day even if it is just to write a post for this blog in journal style. I'm hoping to establish a routine and construct better sentences to convey my thoughts.
At some level, I've had a very unproductive day. I have prepared and eaten three meals and cleaned up. I have a batch of yogurt in the yogurt maker to process over night. I continue to make unsuccessful bread in my bread machine. Today's loaf was made with half the salt. I did get a loaf of sorts but the bread tasted funny. The loaf did not rise enough. I now have three choices: (1) increase the sugar (2) increase the yeast (3) add a tablespoon of vital gluten. This presumes I am not abandoning the project which I am not. I was pleased my local grocery store carried vital gluten. It is supposed to help firm up the structure of whole grain breads. Maybe that is why this loaf is not rising. I'll try it tomorrow. I was pleased that my rapid rise yeast seems to be okay. Apparently, my hot tap water is not enough and I need to heat my water to almost 120 degrees. It cools quickly which could also be part of the problem. Maybe in the summer it won't cool as quickly.
Besides the basics and a load of wash, I read. I didn't read anything profound. I just read.
It has been incredibly dark today. I had the lights on here in the studio for most of the day. We've had rain. I would have preferred snow to rain; however, the rain and warmer temperatures had gotten rid of the old nasty snow, or at least most of it, which is quite a relief. I went outside in sneakers which I haven't been able to do for a week or so. It's nasty out now and I have to make the final trip of the evening when I finish this post.
I was able to find part of Holden Evening Prayer on amazonmp3.com. It's Marty Haugen's setting of evening prayer. I want to find his version of the entire piece; I had it on cassette but the cassette broke. This is the piece I talked about earlier in the wek: I live to do your will. Hearing it again was good.
I was also able to do some research on Not MArvel Joseph, an old, old hymn about Joseph's struggle with the virgin birth. I found another hymn with the repeated phrase "dearest dear" first applied to Mary and then, not surprisingly, to Jesus. I'd like to put together a brief CHristmas message and use that phrase but I'm not feeling very inspired or directed. I'm just putting one foot in front of the other which is what most discipleship is about. It's not living on a high all the time. It's about struggle, suffering and sticking to your guns. Well, talk about a pep talk to myself.
I just realized today is the winter solstis. I have been so focused on other things I didn't stop to notice the light or think how solstis celebrations have often brightened my spirits at the darkest time of the year. "It is cold and dark this year ... " began the one shred of liturgy I knew as a child.
It was, in fact, a wintry day but above frezing. The snow and ice are melting. Elwood and I have had two sucessive days in which we have been able to take a walk. The river walk is surprisingly clear. I did think we would run into some sort of vehicle today and actually stepped off the path. It turned out the train was passing on the other side of the river Oa grand name for the Chataquine, not the right spellingP at this point. I think it is more of a brook at this point. Or at least it is not extremely wide. People can canoe on it and it is navicable, or at least it was, in the old days up to Jamestown. Boats came from Pittsburgh.
I have been focused on getting another podcast done for the church which required a good deal of editing and getting a loaf of whole wheat bread to come out properly in my bread machine. In surveying people, some have good luck with bread machines while others do not. According to Google answers, you have to experiment with your own machine to find the right combination of salt, sugar and yeast. Somehow I had the idea I did not have to have yeast-temperature water and that room temperature would be sufficient. I guess I thought the machine would take care of this. It doesn't. My loaf today had some edible parts to it. I guess my next step is to lessen the salt. That is the first troubleshooting technique apparently. I'm glad I'm only trying to make a 1-pound loaf. I'm going through a lot of flour. Oh well. When I get it to work, and I will get it to work, it wil be a good loaf of bread. I've found a nice recipe for it.
I do have a lot of cleaning up to do which is taking time and time away from other pursuits. I suspect my podcasting friends will think I have given up on the task. I haven't. I just have other responsibilities.
I talked with someone today after church I hope I can connect with after Christmas. I think it will be a beneficial relationship.
The world is gray. Western New York is gray. December is gray. The light fails. Tomorrow is the darkest day of the year in the northern hemisphere. Darkness has a certain quality about it. It can be scarey. It can be ominous. It can be cool, cold, is can be exciting or quiet and welcoming. THere is a quality to darkness. Gray, on the other hand, is cloying. It presses down on the spirit and the soul. It is damp and sucks the life right out of me.
Advent is a time of darkness but I have been in a time of gray. It makes waiting, being ready, expectant difficult. The tasks of life become all important, getting through another day the only goal. Frustrations like being unable to have the new bread machine make a loaf of bread properly becomes an all-consuming priority along with laundry and tonight's supper. Gone is the joy of expectant hope. I'm just trying to get through another day.
What brings this malaze on? Perhaps it is the gray. Perhaps it is a culture that has structured is economic well-being around Christmas shopping. Perhaps it is expectations of what merriment ought to be.
Along my street there are speakers which have blasted out inane Christmas songs. They have added to the sense of disconnection I have rather than drawn me into a communal sense of anticipation. Not being a party goer, the flase sense of happiness this municipal contribution to the season has isolated me even more.
Soltis, therefore, seems more real to me than Incarnation. The promise of the return of the light is concrete, measureable and can be expected with the certainty of the calendar and the chronometer. Jesus, on the other hand, is less tangible, less predictable and therefore less real in this very gray place in which I live.
Lest you doubt my faith in Jesus, let me assure you, and myself, that Jesus is real and that his return is expected and certain and true. It's just that, in the gray place, certainty becomes more about wishful thinking than hope.
I'm writing this on my PDA and bluetooth keyboard. It won't allow for proper tagging or any kind of advanced editing, but it will allow me to keep to my commitment to write daily on a spiritual subject.
When I posted yesterday, I knew I had omitted to talk about Mary and the annunciation. That came to me as I was reading L'engle because of course she had to talk about it and the coming of Jesus. When the angel first greets Mary, she is puzzled. After receiving his announcement, Mary agrees. Whether she had a choice or not in God's plan is open for debate. Buechner says yes. The commentator in the Women's Bible Commentary says no. I like the idea of God inviting Mary to participate in God's plan of salvation. On the other hand, God often compels people, especially reluctant people like Elijah, Jeremaih and me. What Mary says to the angel is this: "Behold, the handmaid of the Lord; be it to me according to your word." Luke 1:38
This scene was the reading this morning at the healing service. We were invited to meditate on the scene and identify with one of the characters. As this verse had already come to me, I tried to focus on it but I could not put myself into the scene. Instead, I heard Lisa singing Marty Haugen's Halden Evening Prayer. "I am the servant of my God. I live to do your will."
I live to do many things. To be the handmaid and to do God's will is not exactly a new thing, but it is The Thing, as Karen has put it, that I am to do now.
It also occurs to me, as I write, that what Sheila told me still applies: Be well. Stay grounded. Live free. I'm still working on being well. I was pleased that my local grocery store sells vital wheat gluten for making whole bread bread. I have not been successful making bread in my bread machine on my own. People's mileage varies apparently. Kathy suggested I let the yeast warm up before adding it to the machine. I will try a diferent basic whole wheat recipe tomorrow.
A funny thing tonight. I wanted to do a quick dinner. I had a chop to broil, vegetables very to heat up in the microwave. I went in search of couscous. I had a box recently and it was unopened. I knew there were boxes of something that could be couscous on the shelf. The first attempt turned out to be cream of wheat. Too little water and olive oil caused it to be discarded as the starch for dinner. The next box turned out to be brown rice. I didn't have time to cook that. I opened the new box of couscous and voila--wonderful grain for a change with dinner.
I've never been an orange eater. I've been doing okay with tangarines. I decided to buy two valencia oranges. I will try one for breakfast. I've always found oranges quite messy and, since I was a kid, I've found citrus pits unnerving.
People find it curious that I am "still" ashewing goodies at breakfast after the Thursday morning service. I've only been at this six or seven weeks. People tell me I look good. Great. I need to look better.
I also committed to the next Tai Chi class. Maybe Tomorrow Elwood and I can get out. The temperatures are above freezing during the day so a lot of the snow is melting which is a good thing. It gets nasty in the city after a while.
ON BEING A WRITER
This is not a new idea for me--to be a writer. Nevertheless, it came to me so clearly yesterday afternoon--a mouthful of Black Bean and Butter Squash chili in my moth, the spoon in my hand, Madeleine L'Engle's Miracle on 10th Street playing on my Victor Reader Stream.
"I can do this," I said to myself. I knew it was an answer to the call I have been sensing God is initiating in me. "I CAN write about my life, spiritual matters and I can draw the two together.
Advent, L'eNgle writes, is about listening. I have been at a loss to know how to listen to what God wants me to do precisely. I know Jesus has called me to follow but where? How? Scripture keeps coming into my mind:
"Therefore, bring forth fruit worthy of repentance." Matthew 3:8
"Tell those who have a fearful heart, 'Be strong. Don't be afraid.'" Isaiah 35:4
These texts have jumped off the pages the Gospeler has read on successive Saturday evenings. Yes, true enough. I have been afraid. I know I am to do a new thing, but how shall I bring it forth?
Bringing forth is biblical language for birth. How is this new direction, repentance, to be brought to fruition in my life?
Yesterday I made contact with a blind woman in Italy. She shared links and web sites to make accessing the Hebrew text of the Old Testament possible. What did this mean for me? To learn, to grow, to become reacquainted with these texts I love so well. I spent the morning downloading different chapters of the Tanak and listening to them, my Hebrew so poor I could only pick out the words Israel, Lord, God, child, earth or land. The word one or alone kept coming up. I turned to Deuteronomy:
"Hear, Israel: the LORD is our God; the LORD alone. Deuteronomy 6:4
"You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might." Deuteronomy 6:5
Theresa of Avila said, in her fifth mansion, that the contemplative must love her neighbor as herself because that is the way she demonstrates her love of God.
Didn't L'engle say, quoting John of the Cross, that our judgment will consist only on whether or not we loved?
The author of the Cloud of Unknowing calls contemplative prayer the way of love.
So the path leads, not to Italy as a friend suggested, in jest I think, but to the contemplative life. I knew that before. I just didn't want to face it. That way will consist in listening to God, in writing and in loving God and neighbor.
NANOWRIMO now makes sense. I needed to demonstrate to myself that I could consistently write. One day I wrote over 9,000 words. In the span of three days I wrote about 15,000 words. They weren't pretty words. The writing was quite tortured, designed to generate word count. However, I can do it.
I also learned that I can write every day and when it is a good time for me to write. I write most consistently after dinner and the dishes are cleaned up.
I have expanded this essay today. It is still a shaky undertaking. It is more suitable for blog posting than for inclusion in a book. Nevertheless, it is a beginning.
